Stand out in the crowd? Tired of being stared at while sitting in an autorick at a stop light, walking to buy groceries, or at a train station? No? Well I didn't think so, but in case there are a few of you out there who do, let me introduce my three-step program to repel the gawkers who gape - and occasionally giggle - at you like you've sprouted green antlers right in front of them in the 56 seconds it takes for the light to change red to green. These may seem like drastic measures more likely to attract further intense scrutiny but they actually work in getting people to turn away and even look quite flustered. Then you sit back and marvel at your own handiwork.

Here goes:

1) Stare at said person(s)' shoes or sandles and then slowly make a face of disgust, like you've just noticed they've stepped in a pile of dung and its clung to the soles of their feet and attracted a swarm of flies. Keep staring, never for a moment looking at the person.

2) Do your best Ace Ventura impersonation. I mean wonky eyebrows, scrunched nose, crossed eyes and doofus, contorted grin. It normally surprises the hell out of onlookers and causes them to look away at something else, lest you suddenly start liking your own palms and make monkey noises. If they choose to slowly turn back for a peak, make Jim Carey proud. Full throttle.

3) Wink at them. It almost always throws them off guard and leaves them embarrassed, looking around to see if anybody noticed. Pure gem, I tell you. But this one requires some tact so pick your opponents, and make sure you have enough time to scoot in case they happen to reciprocate, should this be their thing. Be especially aware of your surroundings at traffic signals.

No animals were harmed in the making of this free public service announcement.


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